Grief is NOT Always the Final Act of Love: Grief, Love, and Letting Go

Grief is often described as the final act of love, a beautiful sentiment that resonates with many. But what if grief isn't just love, but also pain, anger, confusion, and a host of other emotions? In this deeply personal episode, Dr. B, a mother who has experienced the profound loss of multiple children and her husband, explores the complexities of grief.

Timestamps:

• 00:00 - 02:00: Introduction – The poetic phrase "grief is the final act of love" and the reality of grief as a multifaceted experience.
• 02:00 - 05:00: Personal Story – Dr.B's journey through multiple losses, and the different ways grief has manifested in each situation.
• 05:00 - 08:00: The Dangers of Quantifying Grief – How comparing losses and pain can hinder healing.
• 08:00 - 12:00: The Individual Nature of Grief – How personality, life stage, relationship dynamics, and love all influence the grieving process.
• 12:00 - 15:00: Unpacking the Entanglement of Grief with Other Struggles – Addressing negative self-talk, anxiety, and spiritual conflict.
• 15:00 - 18:00: The Importance of Processing Grief and Finding Joy – How to move forward, embrace joy, and find purpose without denying the reality of grief.
• 18:00 - 20:00: Grief Resources and Support – Dr. B offers guidance and resources for those navigating their grief journeys.

Transcript

0:00

we've lost both of our children and you don't seem to be depressed why are you not depressed and I struggle with depression but at in losing my husband and honoring him I'm realizing that oh he didn't he didn't struggle with depression but he didn't love our children any less this is the mentally strong podcast and I am your host Doctor B I am mentally strong and when I hear that it does resonate with me warms my heart but sometimes grief is pain in my situation I would say grief has always been pain I have a friend who as she was watching my husband and I at our son's funeral back in 20016 the words grief is praise came to her as she watched my husband raising his hands in kind of worship and praise as we were singing Christian songs from from my son's childhood and the songs that we raised our kids to and I'll tell you I wrestled with that for many years grief is not praise it doesn't feel like praise and there's actually a grief is praise song and I've met that guy that wrote that song and very moving touching song I use it in my controlled grief but it was written in losing his wife in divorce not in death and grief is a part of life you will experience grief maybe not the intensity of the grief that I have experienced but what I would like to do in this video is really break down this this poetic thing of grief is the final act of love and I think two things happen here in in expressing love through grief one we can learn to cherish the time and love that we had with the person that we lost but we could also because we love that person so much kind of refuse to let go of that grief let go of the pain of the grief and if you watch my videos you know that grief is forever you can watch a previous video about grief is forever so I'm not saying we let go of grief but there are so many people that I know that you know come to me to to try to how do you actually process grief that they are holding on to that pain because they they deserve it like it is their battle wound and it's true it is your battle wound but battle wounds can heal they don't have to be gushing wounds so let's break down this beautiful poetic thing as I map out my grief the first thing that always comes to my mind when I say grief is I always end that with grief is pain but I've also Learned the grief is praise grief is love so as I map this out and filming this on my husband and I first anniversary separated so my husband died a couple months ago and this is our first anniversary not physically together and when you think about grief is love and grief is pain and I love my husband I will always love my husband we spent 26+ years together we had seven children we had a beautifully painful life and in his death and in honoring him on our anniversary that love came to the surface in in pride so if you look at at my map as I'm mapping this out it was very different than losing my children and if we say grief is love and then we try to quantify our love through the pain of our grief we might get stuck we might might be holding on to that pain now unfortunately unfortunately I've had lots of experience in how to process my grief and in my husband's case he was on hospice we knew he was dying he was ready to go as I tell you the story of my son and my daughter you will see that they were very different and my husband did not want to end up like my son and he did not want to be cared for and be kind of that medical trauma and holding on to life and so in the hospice process he was not fighting that he was talking to his counselors talking to his chaplain and praying to god and and it was it was somewhat of a gift to have submitted to the process and some of that grief and love was able to be processed with him instead of like with my children it's like I'm doing the grief alone and try not to quantify grief I think sometimes when we're we're holding on to that pain we're we're quantifying it I have lost a child and nobody understands me and when then we start isolating and and we think we're showing our love like this love is so this grief is so painful because I loved so much and we integrate those things can we love and find joy so many times and I've been there and I've said it to myself what is the point of finding joy it's very different when I lost my daughter you can see this video of my daughter only a couple weeks before her death there was no indication that she was gonna die there was just so much life so much joy she was connected in relationship she brought me so much joy coming home from work and just getting those hugs from her was everything and when I woke up on December 14th 20021 to her being dead in her bed and I went through this whole process of trying to save her life she was already gone the pain of that grief is so much more for me because of the trauma that is enmeshed in that grief in my son with my son Reggie the trauma was in his life he can see these pictures of he was uncomfortable he was struggling to enjoy life you can see in the pictures of shortly before my son's death he was suffering and the pain of his death was more like a failure to me and when I think about how I processed his grief in his death and what I had to work through it was more of I was fighting for his life for 10 years and I lost the fight all the way back to Johnny's death which was a accidental drowning at a family reunion the grief there was different the grief there was oh my god his sisters the the the trauma that this is causing our family the change in which it happened and and what happened after that like living after that without him in the midst of this big family and so yes I have experienced all types of grease grief losing three children and my husband and reef is the final act of love is beautiful but I just caution you to when you are feeling pain when you are depressed I know so many people trying to process grief and they are depressed and they think it's oh the Kubler Ross stages of grief and I'm just stuck in the stage of depression no it's way more complicated than that and as I have processed all of these different griefs at different times in my life when I lost Johnny I was raising a family I had you know a a four year old a five year old an eight year old a nine year old and I was entrenched in being a mom and now I had to help my children grieve their brother right that's what moms do they don't take care of themselves they take care of their kids so you see how grief is very individual to your personality you're where you are in your life what that person what role they played in your life and yes how much you love them creates a a different individual thing that you need to grieve but although poetic it's not that simple and I know that you love deeply the person that you lost but if we hold on to this grief is the final act of love then we're we're holding on to oh my God I have to feel this horrible pain I'm not allowed to find joy because I love this person so much I love all my children and I have been accused of maybe not loving Johnny the same as I love Reggie and Miah and Johnny was an adopted son and I love Johnny and I love his sisters who I still have a relationship with I am their mother we are family but what was happening at that time was I was being a mother I was I couldn't break down and be depressed and show how much I loved Johnny in my grief I had to raise my kids and his biological sisters were my responsibility and gosh the trauma that they experienced prior to me adopting them life's not fair these hardships are not evenly distributed amongst people and so those were the things that I was wrestling with like god why would you do this little did I know that I would feel the intensity of that chemical bond in losing My Biological Children I have a whole series on a different um theories of grief throw out the whole Kubler Ross thing like there is a lot better research out there and attachment is one of those theories and attachment can be chemical when you have a child you you have a chemical bond with that child through um a chemical called oxytocin and and then I breastfed both of my children and oxytocin is released during breastfeeding so there is a chemical bond do I love them anymore then then my husband who I chose to be with for 26 years or my adopted children who I chose to love it's not quantified it's different and that's okay oftentimes I see people judging how someone's grieving and I did it to my husband you can even see it in the grief documentary I did it to my husband I judged I'm like we we've lost both of our children and you don't seem to be depressed why are you not depressed and I struggle with depression but at in losing my husband and honoring him I'm realizing that oh he didn't he didn't struggle with depression but he didn't love our children any less so grief is the final act of love is beautiful but nothing is that simple and I want you to process if that that statement resonates with you I want you to process it personally what is the other pain that's going on with you I teach what we call a mentally strong method because I have found that in grief and trauma it gets enmeshed with everything else in your life and you probably have some negative self talk you probably have some anxiety you need to get control of probably some spiritual conflict and some people turn to addiction all of those things need to be separated out that's not all of that is not grief there's a link in the description for grief resources this is what I do I help you pull those things apart so that you can actually process grief and it's a lifetime just recently um I had a connection with my late grandfather he's been gone for many years and the grief was not intense when I lost him he lived a big full life but I had a moment with him and my relationship with him and that that is part of the grief so I when I say processing letting go finding joy don't resist that yes your intense grief has changed who you are but you can find joy you can find purpose do not give up dig deep and find your mental strength